Trust

Trust......

Such a small word so simple and yet so full of meaning. To everyone it has a different depth of meaning. And for each person as they look upon those in their life the word trust evokes a different feeling.

We have those in our life that we trust implicitly without question, without doubt, without reservation. Those people are a rare find and when found we hold onto them with both hands and our whole heart. Some people never find that person, ever. I have thankfully.

We have those people in our life that we have grown to trust, the people we take a deep breath find our faith, bare our souls to and trust because without that leap of faith life would be a far lonelier place. These people aren't easy to find either because finding them means having faith in yourself that you can make a sound decision I have a few of these people in my life and I'm grateful for them my life is far more full with them than without them.


We have those people we used to trust but no longer do. They are still in our life, still part of our present, still part of our now and most likely still part of future but never part of our circle of trust. They are on the outside a reminder of why trust is so sacred, of how trust can be broken, of how it can be abused. Trust is fragile something to be nurtured, it requires give and take, or like anything else it dies. I also have these people in my life. I could force them out of my life surely but it is a far better thing to keep them here as that reminder to be mindful, watchful and ever careful with my trust.

The most important trust of all, is the deepest kind of trust. Trusting yourself. Listening to the voice inside of you. This is the hardest trust to obtain. Before you can trust yourself you have to be brutally honest. You can't lie to yourself and still trust yourself. Trusting yourself doesn't happen overnight. I'm working on it have been for some time now. I've found that on the road to doing so you think you're there and suddenly a new door opens up and you realize you have miles to go before your done.......

I could care less.....

Most people don't mean it when they say they don't care what other people think. 9 times out of 10 I mean it. Sure I don't want people to think I'm a mass murder, bad human etc but aside from that I truly don't care.

If you don't like my political views, such is life. I'm a Republican, right wing conservative with mildly moderate leanings. I believe in the Constitution, the right to bear arms, God and being a patriot. If you don't like that well that's just too damn bad. I also strongly believe my most important job always will be raising my children. I don't believe in crying it out, I do believe in co-sleeping, breast feeding is best. Formula Feeding is not as good and wearing your baby is more natural than sticking them in a playpen for hours at a time. Natural childbirth is normal not something to be scared of a C-section is something to be Terrified of and if you aren't intelligent enough to research your birth choices more than your car, or home buying choices than you have no business having a child. Babywise is an evil book and every copy I see will be purchased and destroyed.

I'm an opinionated thing. I've been told by a very wonderful friend on more than one occasion that I lack a filter and I'm as subtle as a sledge hammer. Frankly I'm fine with that. Because one thing is for sure with me what you see is what you get. I'm consistent. I don't change who I am from one person to the next. I don't change my political views based on what crowd I'm with, or my religious views based on what church I'm standing in.

I home school my children because I don't like the gang influences, the sexual influences and the total lack of true responsibility taught to our children. Not to mention the sad state of our public schools these days but that is a rant for another time. I get judged for home schooling and yet my children are very well adjusted, highly social, very intelligent and empathetic towards others. The same cannot be said for many others of their ages.

I've been told I sound like a snob but it's less about being a snob and more about stating facts. I speak the truth as I see it.

I'm opinionated yes, does that mean I'm always right.....no. Does that mean I'm always wrong.....no. But life isn't about being right or wrong. It's about living life on your terms, your way, in a manner you can live with. Because at the end of the day you want to be able to look in the mirror and recognize who you're looking at opinions and all.

Leaving the Past Behind.

I am constantly amazed at how people hold onto the past. I'm not referring to the typical memories that we all want and should hold onto. Picture of our babies, cards our loved ones have given to us, mementos of our youth. Those of course we will always have with us. These are things that most people always keep a little bit of in boxes here and there. They rarely take over our lives but rather hold a small place in it. When we need a reminder of that lovely time in our lives we pull out the box filter through the pieces and when we're done file them away till we need the again.

I find I'm saddened by those that hold onto the past like a talisman. The stroke it and hold it close even when it causes them pain. I know a few people who hold onto the pain of child hood or even the "popularity" of high-school as though it were yesterday. Decades have passed and yet they can pull upon those memories, thoughts and events as though they had happened only moments ago. It is their crutch. They allow it to paint their every day actions and excuse their bad behaviors. Petulance and Over sized ego's blend into an every day drama that seems to wash away any and all good sense when it comes to how to behave. We all have pain from childhood, we all have drama in our lives and there is no scale upon which to measure it. Mine is not more than yours and yours is not more than mine. That which is in the past is exactly that in the past. If you are indeed a grown up and have not found a way to leave your pain from the past ....in the past, then that needs to be your first priority.

My childhood was no picnic. But I survived it. I'm a grown woman with children that I will give a better life to than I had. I've learned quite simply that resentment is very simply a sharp stone held in the hand. It hurts no one but myself. Have I let all of it go? No. But I have found good ways to deal. Quite simply people grow up. Move on. You aren't children any more, you aren't teenagers any more, get over yourselves and realize it's not all about you any more.

Remembering what I'm thankful for.

I have a lot of random thoughts in my head today.

As has become routine, it was a pain filled day. Chiari does not take a day off no matter how much I might attempt to bribe it.

But really my thoughts were elsewhere today. Things I'd like to do. Get my house completely 100% clean all in one day (yeah I'm laughing too), spend more time with my kids, and get my Doula certification.

In the past few years I've become passionate about birth rights, and choices for women. I could list all the reasons why but it's really simple birth is natural and society has turned it into something that needs to be "fixed". I believe women should be supported by someone who only has their and their babies best interests at heart. But that is a long winded rant for another time.

I also thought today about how despite the issue with my brain I am truly blessed. For almost fifteen years I have been married to an amazing man. I've mentioned him before but today I was out shopping for groceries, in pain and frustrated and yet I saw something that reminded me of him and suddenly I was smiling. I couldn't wait for him to come home. It never gets old to see him come home at night, and I savor the moments of alone time we have. I have joy in my life, my children are healthy, intelligent and kind. We have a home we can call our own and food on our table. It's the simplicity of it that makes it all the more meaningful.

Things aren't perfect in my world but the most important things make each day a blessing. It's not that hard to remind myself on the bad days that there are so many good things in my life.

Tonight I could have gone out for margaritas and I wanted to but the headache, long day and lack of energy left me with two choices cook for family or go out. It was an easy choice. I put all my energy into a very lovely dinner for my family and a good friend who came by. It was a good night, low key with good conversation, laughter and my own comfy couch.

These are the things I'm thankful for, the simple things.

Doing too much and yet never enough.

So I'm rapidly finding out that Chiari 1 is a temperamental pia. It doesn't like busy days. It doesn't like the days when I have 19+ things on my to do list. Boy does it let me know when I've ignored the warning signs.

Thursday was an insanely busy day with a huge list of things to do. This is not out of the normal for me. So I went about my day and didn't think much of it until I felt that nagging headache inch upwards as the day got later. I ignored it. I knew I shouldn't and I did it anyways. I stubbornly want to believe that nothing has changed. Well I was wrong. I continued to ignore the headache and the other signs like my speech getting worse and very minor balance issues that I'm sure only I noticed. I pushed all that aside and continued about my day and night.

Finally it came time to go to bed. By this time I had a headache I don't even want to put a number to and I couldn't sleep. I took half of a vicoden. The drug I have a love hate relationship with. Much to my surprise it didn't do damn thing. I might as well have taken a spoonful of sugar and waited for Merry Poppins. I forced myself to bed and laid there feeling that awful tightness take over. I tossed, I turned vainly trying to find a position that would "fix" the pain. I should know by now it isn't going to happen. It's not like when I eat and the chewing makes my head go numb. At least then I can stop eating. No this is different there isn't relief until whatever is going on inside my body works itself out. The last time I felt this bad was the night before Thanksgiving.

I fully expected to wake up feeling like my head would explode and have to stay in bed all day. Through some grace of God I woke up feeling only as bad as when I finally fell asleep. I was delighted and I mean that, no sarcasm. Chiari means often being grateful for the strangest things. Like not having your hands go numb, not having ringing in your ears for a day or having the pain be at a level that allows you to function. The surprising part is you'd be amazed at how much pain you can be in and still function.

Still the intensity of the pain subsided and life moved on. I had a fantastic day at work today. We stayed busy, had good conversation, my hands only went numb a few times, I didn't stumble once and lunch was fantastic.

I am determined to acknowledge the not so great parts but relish in the good things. And I will slow down even though that will be the hardest work of all.

Nightmares and Faith.

I dreamt about Elizabeth Smart the other night. I don't know why can't fathom how that dream came to me but it did. It was vivid, scary, sad and far more than I ever wished to dream. I woke up shaken and relieved to find all my children safe in their beds.

The next day I started reading the The Lovely Bones. A literary masterpiece but terrifying when you have a fourteen year old daughter. The book was moving of course but more than that it echoed in my mind all the people my family has lost. Especially Damon's mother who was lost to violence we'll never understand.

The day after that a strange man approached my daughter outside our home. She was waiting for her sisters bus. He was in his mid 20's to 30's and had a very large dog with him. Shyanne is fourteen. He had no earthly reason to talk to her. Nor, did he have any reason to ask her if this was her home, what was her name, and on. Eventually he walked off only to come back around after my other daughters bus had arrived. Shyanne told the bus driver she was scared and thank god he told her he would wait while she locked the gate and until he saw them go in the house. I will be thanking him in person today.

This strange man scared her, she was visibly shaken when I got home. She called me and I came as quickly home as I could. She said he made the hairs stand up on the back of her neck and that all the dogs in the neighborhood freaked out even more than normal. At one point she almost apologized for making a big deal. I made sure to point out to her a grown man has no business trying to make friends with a young girl, alone at all for any reason.

I still haven't recovered. I don't think she has either. Last night as I lay awake in bed with a blazing headache that hasn't left me yet I put these three seemingly random things together. Elizabeth Smart, The Lovely Bones and a stranger approaching my 14 year old. I swear for a moment I couldn't breathe.

I was raised Catholic devout at that, my husband was raised Jehovah's witness. from the beginning we agreed on a neutral sort of faith. I had lost my true faith years before for reasons I don't care to share. He never lost his just grown out of what he'd known. I thought that a life with God in the periphery was good enough. I prayed but I also questioned all things related to God. As an adult I haven't understood "blind faith" believing just for believing. I believe in logic. The things that made sense and can be explained I clung to. Logic has kept me safe more than a few times.

Lately Damon and I have been talking about finding our way back to faith. Me far more than him. Little by little I find it's getting easier to believe that God is watching over us. I firmly believe he was watching over my daughter yesterday. I believe he sent me a message in the only way I would understand a dream and a book. He was saying watch a little more closely, never become complacent and perhaps, to slow down a little.

I'm listening. It's still work to remember that faith isn't easy, that for me acceptance is work but I'm getting closer.

It's one of "those" days......

I woke up with a headache. Not just any headache but the kind that make you want to remove your head and borrow someone elses. It started yesterday with a massive out of the blue anxiety attack. If you've never had one of these imagine almost being part of a three car pile up in which the cars catch on fire. You're sitting their in your car feeling the adrenaline rush, and the fear knowing that your okay but still having trouble functioning. That is an anxiety attack.

That was yesterday today I woke up and my daughters bus to school was waiting for us. Talk about flying into action. So all of this led to the C-clamp on the back of my head and the too tight jeans analogy being an overwhelming reality from the moment I crawled out of bed. There will be no Vicoden for me today as I have to go for a dress fitting, for my mothers wedding and I'm behind on the homeschooling. Plus I have shopping to do for said wedding and haircuts etc. so no rest for me today despite the fact I would love to find the blissful oblivion of narcotic induced slumber.

I will start by making lists, so I don't forget all I have to do today. I used to make mental lists, now pen and paper are required. I would love to post something positive about how today will go but I'm not finding it at the moment. Hmmmm, I'll just have to keep looking.